When to Downsize Aging Parents

Are your parents thinking about downsizing? Are they not thinking about downsizing and you're thinking they should be downsizing? I've been showing houses all day and I've got so many things. Why don't you just follow me around while we figure this out? Let's multitask, can't we? My friend Angie says this, I love your reels about your dad. I'm so sorry for your loss. 

He was so kind like you. You're the best friend girl. Thank you. 

My parents are in their seventies and this is something I think about all the time, but when is it right to move in with them? Do you do it before they actually need you? We live in a split level house, so them moving in with us is not going to work. They still have the house down the street from the Barnett's where I grew up, so I don't think they will sell their house they've had for 46 years. How do you know when it's right? Angie, this question is excellent and I'm here to give you a few ideas about that. 

I think you need to talk to them about it as soon as possible. If they are still in good health, not falling, able to cook for themselves, clean for themselves, get themselves to their appointments, drive, then it's not time to do it yet, but it is an excellent time to start that conversation and ask them, look around, if you have lived in one place for 46 years, if you're like most Americans, you have collected a lot of stuff, what is it going to take for us to merge homes if you're going to live together? And if not, if they're going to do something like 55 plus community or assisted living, what is it going to take to downsize? So it could be quite an extensive project, so just get the ball rolling and ask some questions. Do you guys think you're just going to live here until one of you falls down and can't do it anymore? Or would you like to make a plan now? My parents were floored when my husband said, we would love to invite you to live with us.

It hadn't even crossed their minds. They knew they needed help, but they just thought we liked our privacy so much that we would never do that. So maybe your parents aren't thinking about it or aren't bringing it up because they're waiting for you to do just that. 

Another option is to say we could sell both of our homes if neither works for us all together and get something that works for everyone all in the same place. Coming together is another part of the conversation you can have now. Then give them time to consider whatever it is that you've plopped out there. 

Know that it's not going to be one conversation, it's going to be a dozen conversations and likely mom and dad won't agree with each other at first. But as you let them ruminate on this for a little while, they are going to start percolating and some ideas that fit them are going to start rising to the surface. When my husband said to my parents, we would love to live with you and help you during this next season after a cancer diagnosis for my dad, they were so overwhelmed with happiness that they started crying. 

We did not expect that at all. We thought it was obvious that we're the ones that live closest to them and we would be the ones taking care of most of the things in the next stage of life. I think cancer was just so scary for them. 

They weren't able to think beyond that step to what had to happen next and that's where we were able to come in and bring some support. We ended up moving into back-to-back houses so their backyard and our backyard are connected and once that happened, I saw their anxiety go way down. They have all the privacy they need. 

They did downsize quite a bit and then we upsized a little bit to be in the same neighborhood that they are in and I wondered, is it going to be like raising a toddler? How much are they going to be in my house asking me to make them cookies or are we going to have to set boundaries like at 9 p.m. you guys have to go home and go to bed but it turned out really not like that at all. It was so smooth. I would go in when I would get home from work. 

Between 5 and 7, I would go spend an hour with them. Sometimes I would make my own dinner and just carry a plate over and eat with them and hear about their day. Mom would ask me, how do I sign into this telehealth call or anything to do with technology? I would go and help.

Sometimes when they both had appointments, I could take one to his appointment, mom could go to hers and then as the years got longer and mom was really the primary every day, every minute caregiver for dad through lots of chemo, we were able to give her breaks, let her take a week off and go visit grandkids or just let her stop and go walk around Target because she needed a mental break. So I'm completely for doing this. Whatever it is you decide for your family but talking about it as soon as it's on your mind is an excellent idea. 

I sometimes burst into song and today it was something from Cats. Memory all alone in the moonlight. If this ever happens to you, it might be time to suggest downsizing to your parents. 

So Angie, I want you to keep us updated. Tell us have you decided to bring it up yet and how did it go the first, second, third time and where are you guys now? Are your parents warming up to that idea? Are they starting to sort their things and think about what's next? If you need a great estate sale agent, I have one for you. Thanks for coming to watch another video with me. 

Next week we'll talk more about this exactly. If you have a question, you know how to reach me.